{   Wisdom   }

Rules of the Roast

The man who knows how to carry himself can be something of a rarity these days. Here then, is what's expected of you at times of public address. by David Hamilton

On the occasion of a friend's wedding, a colleague's retirement, or simply a birthday, you may be called upon to emcee, host or contribute to a good-natured tearing down of the fellow's societal worth. It's the age-old tradition of The Roast, made infamous by Dean Martin and his cohorts. There are however some chop-busting guidelines if you are to come away with your own reputation in tact:

Rule 1: Mind your !*#@&! language
Remember that your audience may be of a varied age group and diverse moral fabric, so think about what you're saying and favour being witty as opposed to crass. As for risqué stories, allusions will play much better than direct references. It'll be a much funnier evening if you don't offend someone into cardiac arrest!

Rule 2: Girlfriends and wives are OFF LIMITS
Nothing says more about a man's character (or lack of) than his choice of 'soul' mate. But, alas, these ladies must never fall victim to the shrapnel of character assassination. They simply wield too much influence in our lives to risk offending - especially if you're counting on seeing the roastee at rec hockey on Thursdays.

Rule 3: Exes are fair game, only if you are certain they won't reunite
Exes are The Roast equivalent of DNA evidence. There is nothing more incriminating than to shine light upon the parade of misfits who once kept him home on a Thursday night watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. The above mentioned caveat however, is critical. If there is even a remote chance he and the bearded lady will patch things up, keep the Castro jokes to yourself.

Rule 4: There is no best-before date on foolishness
A dimly held memory from a dimly lit room is the stuff legends are made of among men. And, like the fish that got away, the further back you go the greater license you'll have to embellish. Dig as far back and as far below the belt as you wish; dredging up an embarrassing moment with the right amount of levity will make a hero out of both of you.

Rule 5: "Smile when you say that."
It's an old line from a western, but of particular relevance. You can inflict all manner of insult, anecdote or revelation so long as you do so in good fun. The Roast is no place to grind an axe - even if the soiled carpet in question was yours.

Rule 6: Listen when he cries "uncle."
There's a look in a man's eye that reveals when he's had enough. A good friend will know it instantly and this is a line you should never cross. It's the point in the evening when a true gentleman turns from roasting his victim to toasting the man of the hour.